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Diary of a Broken Man; a Shattered Heart, and my Attempt to pick up the pieces.
This is my actual journal entries that I started the day I found out my wife cheated on me. Not just cheated but had an affair for a year with her boss. It will be updated as the situation progresses throughout the year. I wont respond to comments and it is only being posted to help give others perspective who may be going through the same thing, or have thought about cheating on their significant other. All names used are not in anyways representative of the people I am speaking about and are purely coincidental.
introduction Though I am starting this diary on a sad note I think it is more beneficial to keep a journal/diary for my own sanity. Rachel is an awesome listener and I talk to her about a lot of things, but I know that everyone has their limit on shit they are willing to listen to. I don't know where Rachel's limit is, but I don't want to find it.
The other reason is because I can't talk to my friends about a lot of this. My internal struggles, my relationship, my medical problems. I found that when I get close to getting deep about a particular issue my friends tend to pass judgment, especially when it comes to me and my wife's relationship. I usually don't ever go to them for advice partly because it is bad, and partly because I just don't want it. Me and Rachel are a special kind of fucked up, made for each other and that's probably why I am still sleeping in the same bed as her after what has happened.
March 22nd, 2017 9:30pm I found out from a girl named Jennifer that my wife had been sleeping with her husband Derrick for fr about a year. When I first found out I thought it was Rachel's ex husband fucking with me (he's a dick like that) I asked for proof and said I was going to need Derrick tell me himself what had happened. She got him to message me and tell me everything that happened. I didn't want them coming over because in-laws were in town and I didn't want spring break getting any dramatic than it needed to be. I was in shock and disbelief. I asked Rachel if it was true, and after giving bits and pieces of information finally said that everything was true. I went numb, still shocked. They fucked at her work in the bathroom, in my car, in Derricks wifes house while she was out, in the driveway while she slept less than 50 feet away. Numb is numb, I have nothing else to say.
March 23rd, 2017 3am:
Sleeping hasn't gone so well. I felt like I was in bed with a stranger, even holding her felt weird, like I was holding someone I have never met before. As I lay there and had time to think about it I started piecing together what had happened, what everyone said, how I feel vs what I should feel, trying to decide on whether to stay or leave.
Downloaded whisper for a short time to get my feelings out, and before I started the journal. I don't actually like talking to people on whisper because they usually just want to fuck, and even though I had been tempted to get "revenge sex" the prospect was no appealing to me. I know Rachel is the only one for me, and she is the last woman that will ever be in my life. I decided I was done the day we got married. Other women can be really hot physically, but even when I check them out I'm thinking of Rachel, like the ass or whatever reminds me of Rachel's ass lol. I know that sounds weird but whatever.
March 24th, 2017 1pm:
I wrote Derrick a letter. i thought it best not to see him in person. Here it is
[I think at a minimum I owe it to your wife to say something to you. Rachel was repeatedly sexually assaulted when she was a preteen, barely hitting puberty and for several years following. She started doing cocaine in order to run from the mental anguish of that abuse. She became addicted, holding three jobs and living out of her car just to continue the habit. She got into relationships thinking that they would be the one, only to find out that they have been cheating on her, one in particular was sleeping with other men. She got together with Rob (The one she has compared you to.) He abused her mentally and physically, made her feel like there was n way out and even though she consented to sex she didn't like it. He was a terrible man to her and her children. When she left Rob and she and I got together we were in the bathtub and she told me that there would come a time when she would try to self destruct the relationship, as if she didn't deserve what I was giving to her. All those years ago I told her that she wouldn't be able to, that I truly love her. When she started working at Perkins she would come home and tell me about the things you would say to her, but that she wanted to believe that men were good natured, and she believed that if she put up boundaries you would respect them. After a while your advances finally paid off when me and her hit a bad rut in our relationship, we became distant, and money was the only thing I could think of, admittedly I pushed away my greatest asset, my wife. There is a reason why I am giving you this backstory. See she trusted you the way she trusted that family member that raped her, she trusted you the way she trusted her first husband who hit her and abused her. She trusted you and let you in close as a good freind, and wanted to be able to confide in you as she could with a good friend. You may not have sexually assaulted her by forcing your will on her, but like you, Rob, and the family member you took advantage of a kind soul, of someone that looked to you to show them that there was still light in the world, and you snuffed that light out. I know you weren't thinking of her in a caring way, not thinking about her husband, children, past, and no court will ever punish you for being a man looking to get his dick wet, but you have to live with yourself knowing that you helped her abusers, physical and sexual, break down her character and shame herself. I don't have to be mad at you because I know as you read these words they will burn into your soul and you will still be thinking of them 30 years from now. Please stop objectifying women and start thinking about who they are as people, that some of them have had rough lives, and have pain that they want to get away from. Instead of adding to that pain and self hatred, help them grow and become better people. I don't know how your wife is going to respond to you down the road, but I hope she is as forgiving as me and you can repair what smoldering cinders remain of the fire that was once lit ing you two. If you have any respect for yourself or to me do not respond to this, and instead apologize to the two women that expected more from you, do not contact me or my wife after today. Sincerely; Dwight D Eisenhower, that guy whos wife you slept with]
I decided firmly that i want to make it work with her. She stopped having the affair a few months back and had been trying to forget about it. I take the cessation as a sign she wants to come back. I listened to her reasons why she did it, and as hard as they were to hear I understand them. The fact is that I really have been distant; the money, the house, and other responsibilities got in the way, and I took her for granted.
I couldn't talk to her without getting stressed about something, and she didn't want to stay home, I hated her being out all the time, but we couldn't talk when she was here, I even felt bad asking her to stay home, it got to where I felt like I was punishing her at the prospect. "Hey stay home and listen to me get stressed about the rent"
Also the time frame when our relationship started improving was right around the time she stopped seeing Derrick and I decided I was going to try harder and look past all this meaningless bullshit and get to now her as a friend again.
She went out with her sister tonight. She doesn't know it but I spent most of the night crying, it came out as that deep grief stricken kind of sob, that embarrassing "way to into it" kind of crying that happens when a loved one dies.
I used whisper a few more times to express that I am figuratively hanging on to life by a thread, suicide has crossed my mind, only briefly. I can't talk to family or freind about it because if this is going to work I need to feel like me and my wife aren't being judged, and honestly I have shitty friends, I need new ones.
I was able to pull myself together enough to work through it, I've come close to it before, 14 years ago. I don't want to talk about that here though. I removed whisper again because I did what i needed to do with it, before I started journaling it helped me get through the roughest part of this shit so it may be something I use again in the future, we'll see.
March 25th, 2017 12pm
Today seemed like any other day. I have allowed her to dive into the back of my mind. I did feel the need to get some kind of revenge so I wrote an e-mail to the owner of the restaurant which is where Derrick works as the GM. See the part I haven't mentioned is that he was her boss, talked her into coming over from another restaurant, it was a couple of months after that that the affair started. I told the owner everything and showed messages proving that he and her had had sex int he restaurant. I started feeling better lol.
I love Rachel, and I believe that our love will get us out of this mess, but make no mistake, I want Derrick to figuratively burn for what he did. His abuse of power, manipulation, the carelessness of his own life and the lives of those around him including his wife and kids. I don't want to kill him but I want him to feel the physical and mental anguish of having everything he loves ripped out from under him with no discretion. i will do everything I can under the law to accomplish this. I know I am wrong thinking this way, it's misdirected. But I don't fucking care! When you are truly broken there comes with it a kind of apathy, maybe that's the numbness?
March 26th, 2017 8:15am
My hands are physically shaking like I have Alzheimer's. It has come from thinking about what happened last Thursday.
Me and Rachel have had a question in the back of our minds that I have HPV from some irresponsible shit I did in my early 20s she might as well though we haven't shown symptoms. I realized today while I was cutting fruit that if she does have it she probably gave it to Derrick, and he probably gave it to Jennifer. A sinister smile crept across my face at the revelation, but shook it off and had to regain my humanity. Jennifer didn't deserve any of this, and I had to realize that Derrick might have been just as broken as Rachel. I am firmly ready to move on with Rachel but the cocaine and cheating were strikes one and two. Honestly between you and I, I wont leave her over cocaine. She's an addict and I am sure it wont be the last time she fucks up. No, I will only leave her when it comes to cocaine if she loses control and starts letting it run her life. Even then it will be more of tough love and I would come back once she got cleaned up. If she sleeps with someone else however my heart wont be able to take the hit, I almost didn't make it this time and I can't handle this shit again, literally. I would rather her break it off with me then find out that shes had another affair.
The other thing I can't believe? Derrick is a short hairy leprechaun. According to Rachel the sex wasn't even that good, why would you keep having sex with a short dirty bald man; unless you just wanted to feel again. I can make it through this because I know that things had started turning around before all this shit happened. As long as this upward trend continues we will make it. We're going to have more rough times, that's just how relationships are. i am going to get lost in thought from time to time, may even crawl into a bottle, it still hurts but losing her wouldn't be a relief, it would just be more painful. I couldn't take being a lonely miserable fool on top of it. I know she's it for me, period. Our love, and our past 5 years together tells me we can make it, but I can always be proven wrong. I have to talk about this shit somehow but I know people would judge her for what she did, and judge me for staying, and basically I say fuck em it' none of their god damn business. I am going to crawl into my cave, handle my business, and take me and my family to amazing new places.
I have to say that it's not just love for Rachel that is carrying me though. It's also Suzy and Kyle my two step children. Me and Rachel raised both of them and even though we still don't know what the fuck were doing, we managed to potty train them, get them off sippy cups, read to them every night, take care of them when their sick, shit I knew Kyle when he was barely walking and he's in kindergarten now! I would feel like shit abandoning them, I know how I felt when my moms boyfriends stopped coming around, like shit. I just got too close to them so they're stuck with me for a while.
I put 15 hours of PTO in to help with spring break hours (not having any) I feel much better now that I have 30 hours instead of 15, just one more thing I don't have to think about.
Starting to get sleepy. I had a really shitty night of sleep. Besides the nightmares that have crept into my head over the last few days I found out I am grinding my teeth in my sleep, and the pain in my tooth got so bad I started having dreams about ripping it out to help the pain. This tooth shit suck, but it serves me right for not taking care of my mouth better...FUCK.
March 28th, 2017 12pm
Me and Rachel were born in the fire like the Pheonix, that should mean were fireproof right? What I mean is that our relationship grew in having to deal with some really hard times, brink of homelessness, court battles, her ex's shenanigans, and many other hardships before even our second year.
The kids decided to sleep all day today in spite of being woken up several times. They still had to go to bed at their normal bed time which had to really suck for them being awake and not able to leave their room and be quiet was the point. Kyle tried getting out of bed but Rachel's sister Sara in town because ironically her and her boyfriend just broke up.
March 29th, 2017 1:17am
Thoughts of leaving got strong tonight. She slept with someone else, for a year. I remember getting into a fight with her not too long before this. it ended with me saying, "I've been doing my best, absolute best, and this is all I can manage?" I couldn't be there for her when she was upset, i was distant and cold. I broke down and said that I was going to work because that's all I am good at. I felt like shit, like I wasn't going to make it.
I am trying to let it go, but I have to be patient. It's only been 7 days (technically 6 literal days because it's only 1:30am) This decision is one I have to take seriously as when I left my first wife of 8 years. I want to stay, but I can't decide to stay because of being delusional. I have to stay because it is right for everyone. I just filled out a questionnaire that some psychologists put together to test relationships. In spite of the cheating thing my score registered pretty strong. My eventual goal is to change more of those answers from No to yes over time, if I can do that I think there is a good long term shot at this. I'm writing it down for easy reference.
I trust my partner. I consider my partner to be one of my friends. I’d say my partner generally thinks about me without getting angry or jealous. I can talk about my ideas without my partner trying to shatter my dreams. Sometimes it feels rewarding just to be together. When I think about our relationship, I generally don’t get angry or jealous. My partner usually doesn’t criticize the way I spend money. Sometimes my partner looks excited when we meet. My partner is OK with discussing his or her personal problems with me. When I talk about my sexual needs, my partner usually gets it. I sometimes enjoy helping my partner. My partner has occasionally tried out new things when we are in bed. I can kick back, relax, and talk freely with my partner about the events of my day. I am generally satisfied when the sex is over. I usually think my partner does OK when it comes to spending money. My partner often seems to be content after we’ve had sex. My partner can kick back and relax when I’m around. I don’t gossip about our relationship all over town. Rather than holding it inside, my partner generally talks to me if there is a problem. After I get angry with my partner, I am able to cool off and let it go. My partner generally forgives my mistakes rather than constantly reminding me of them. We occasionally have our differences, but we don’t call each other names or fight in public. My partner seems to want me to achieve my goals. We don’t hit each other. I can discuss my personal problems with my partner without it becoming a big hassle. My partner generally loosens up after talking with me about stressful events. My partner will generally help me when I really need assistance. I don’t feel isolated, anxious, or depressed because of our relationship. It’s important to me that my partner succeeds in life. I would do it all over again because it’s hard to imagine being without my partner.
There is no pleasing this woman! She bought a bunch of stuff for lunch, just started her new job 3 days ago and already seems to have given up hope that she will have food for her lunches because her son stole the bananas she had. I get the frustration of not having having things you need at a place that only has an expensive ass vending machine, but when people are trying to do something for you they deserve not to be flopped attitude at the minimum. Come up with solutions! What isn't a solution is bitching about it for two days straight. The "forget about it, it's never going to be all right shit really brings me down, like what if that were true? What if everything really will never be all right and me and her are stuck in this shit hole apartment for the rest of our lives, constantly trying to get over the shit she pulled for more than a year...it would be hell.
Just to put it into perspective my thoughts of leaving her aren't as big as the fear that she will give into the guilt and leave me because she cant handle the choices she made. That she will be ashamed, leave, or even commit suicide. She still feels awful, as she should, but there are other options to living a life of misery, and baring down on yourself. Divorce is an option for me, but it is one that is a last resort. Maybe even separation for a period of time so we can both really focus on ourselves, eventually moving back in. I know that seperation typically ends in divorce, but...idk.
I woke Rachel up with sex this morning. Unfortunately I had to keep shaking images of that gross naked leprechaun mounting my wife, plowing her and enjoying it. I mean she's hot I get why he would pursue it. Did she call out his name? Does she secretly want more? Will these thoughts ever go away? If things get rough will she just go fuck someone again? What is really irritating is I have given her space this year to work on herself, being damaged from her past like she had. Did she fuck in my car? How many times? Parked less than 50 feet away, with her husband and kids sleeping inside.
I had started sleeping on the floor the last few weeks because I have a really annoying snore from sleep apnea, or I stay up late until I know she is asleep so she can fall asleep comfortably. All the while she had been fucking someone else?
Help me heal, help me cope, give strength to our love, that it may continue. I already decided that no one, I mean NO ONE will ever know of her betrayal. I will never tell a soul (fake names remember?) I know they will hate her for it, and they wont respect my decision to stay. People have a habit of forgetting that just because some nasty shit happened it doesn't mean the love just goes away. It doesn't mean that I want to hate on her, or listen to someone else hate on her. In fact if things don't work out between us and someone starts talking shit on her it's going to piss me off. Fuck these people who don't understand. I am going to stay and love her until there is nothing left, or she leaves. I can't force her to stay that would be crazy. I want her to be happy, and as much as it sucks if that means she will be happy without me than I have to accept that.
I fucking hate myself sometimes.
Rachel needs her SSC card and quickly for a job she just got. I find I have less of a sense of urgency to help her get it done,like Im still helping, calling the office, checking onlinebut my attitude about it is just kinda "meh" probably still a little numb. I thought about wearing a mask, finding Derrick, and beating the holy hell out of him after he got off work, but that is not only illegal, stories from other people exacting revenge tell me it doesn't fix anything, it doesn't make the pain go away. I'd probably get caught and go to prison anyways...whatever.
March 30th, 2017 7:44am
Rachel told me there were others. Not that she fucked but that Derrick slept with, now I need to get tested for sure, that fucking sick leprechaun. Unfortunately its going to be a couple weeks before I can do that because Im broke as hell.
Everything is starting to make more sense. I remember when she first started doing this shit she started kissing me on the cheek. Cheek kisses themselves werent a big deal, but there was a kind of deliberate action behind it. That was also the period when we came close to breaking up so I thought she was just detaching herself to make it easier (which she was) it's just that I thought it would result in an honorable discharge rather than the alternative.
She told me this morning that when she thought about leaving me she was scared that she would never find anyone like me again. I don't know that being scared of not finding someone to love is a good enough reason to stay. Shouldn't the love of someone itself be the reason? But then again love has kept people together that shouldn't be, kidnap victims, wife beaters etc, so, what is the reason people should stay together?
Real depression setting in. Hopelessness, I feel lost. i went through everything I wrote and tried to make sense of it all. Who is this woman i married, in fact, who am I? I try to go through life seeing things as opportunities rather than problems. What's the opportunity here? I guess it's getting to know my wife all over again, but can I ever trust her again? Will she just lie about shit again? I have to know she's serious this time, I am going to ask her straight up, and give her an open opportunity to leave, no string attached. If she stays, Ill just have to take it day by day like I am.
I originally started journaling to get this shit out of my head but it's all I can think about. i need to stop for a bit and remember that it's only been a week since I found out. Breathe Dwight, you can make it out of this, it will get better, I promise.
I decided to get Highster mobile. It's a $70 program that tracks messages, social networking and many other things. It can retrieve old text messages as well. I want to know what was going on and if this thing is deeper than I am being led to believe. i am not going to use it forever but right now her trust is at %0, this software will help build that back up, or end the relationship one of the two.
Having second thoughts about surveillance. It would require me to be dishonest in order to monitor her phone. I have never been before and don't want to start now. Besides, I need to be thinking about the future and not the past, and if I am really going to move on than why do I need to see old messages about shit that happened a year ago? The truth came out this time and it will again right?
Rachel asked if Joel could come over and do laundry with her sister, apparently those two have a thing or something. Funny thing is that I thought Joel was going to be the one that fucked her. I wanted to say a lot of things to her.
"Why so you can fuck him too?"
"No I don;t want him over here it's the only way I can keep his cum off my sheets."
Oh yeah that kinda shit goes through my head, I'm fuckin human. But I am trying to save my marriage not end it, and saying shit like that is going to push her farther away from me and remove the last brick holding this wall up, my goal is to get more bricks in there, not take them out. The other point is that while there isn't an excuse for doing what she did I have to remember that I had a role in it. I pushed her away, I made her feel unwanted. I FUCKED UP TOO. That is what keeps me trying, that is what keeps me going more than anything else.
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